I found out why I have Schizophrenia.  It is because I loved COBOL but did not open the book.  I was laid off and lost all confidence in myself and did not open the damn book!  What does the future hold for me now.  A two week mistake turns into 8 years.  Eight years!!!!!  What do I do now?  Put my faith in God that all this time was worth it.  Well it wasn't.  I could be successful now but people went through my entire life (that they don't know is worse than they will ever know) and decided to dissect it  and or not dissect it. 

What will I do now that there is nothing but I did not open a book. A book I loved and enjoyed working with.  It really defined me.  I would have been good at it.  And now I ask why me still.  I am a stupid bitch.  It was all my fault and I did not get any help.  I don't have any church to go to that fully accepted me.  What do I do now that I know. 

I'm still here.  Is all I got.