Life Is A Circle

God is important to me.  He has been a part of my life since about the third grade.  I feel that God showed himself to me then as a source of support.  I have always been strange and a loner I guess.  It wasn't until college that I found a group of friends.  They are not really my friends any more but during college we were close.  I think what happened to those friendships is no one wanted to get personal.  Really the truth is I don't know what happened to the friendships .. time, new families, life I guess is the best answer.   I do know when those friendships ended though.  They ended when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  Maybe that was the excuse they needed to bail.  The doctors say it is incurable.  Whether it is incurable or not I still have a life to live right?

The last time I tried to go to a psychologist I was told that church is not an option.  I have been told that God cannot heal Schizophrenia.  I have been told by a preacher that something is wrong with my head based on closed notebook of notes from his sermons that he did not even read.  I'm tired of people trying to tell me a Schizophrenic that God is not the answer for me.  He is always the answer.

I feel right now that I am losing a battle.  I'm nice.  I've never really been in a fight except once with my sister and I just count that because she does.  I threw a metal butterfly at her and it got her in the shoulder and she got hurt.  Not bad but hurt with a scar to boot.  It was around 5th grade.  I am fighting personal perceptions that run the gamut.

I have Schizophrenia so I can't talk about God.  I can't go to church without it being an issue.  I don't like that people say the term Schizophrenia and don't know what is is.  They just use it as meaning anything.  And ha ha for me the truth is it does mean anything once you look it up. 

Anyway, I just want to say that God is always the answer.  I need people who know me to know that I was never violent and will never be violent OR I need the sun to shine and I walk through the doors of a church and really feel that no matter what name I have been assigned I am one of God's children.

Schizophrenia is lonely.  It is confusing.  And if you try you just get shot down by friends and families who don't want to discuss anything personal.  Do you know how many people don't believe in God?  I now know many.
 
Life is a circle