I have been through a lot with my experience with Schizophrenia. Through it I have gotten married. I love my husband but nothing is perfect. I smoke marijuana. I smoke Black and Milds or whatever I can get my hands on. I don't think I want to be here anymore. And now I am not my authentic self. I am a Bitch. I don't want to be a bitch but that is what I am. I am unhappy with my weight and my appearance in general. I am just here. I have no motivation. I don't act I just accept. That's not good. I want to put God first in my life and live a spiritually successful life. But I keep getting the word Schizophrenia. No one really knows what that means they just use the word and give out what they think it means. And I don't know what it means even after looking it up. I learn something new every time I look it up. Anyway....
When I was first going through my delusional period I heard voices and shouted stuff. Like I heard the grass is green the sky is blue, people have to die, you smoke weed, I heard a gun shot that pre-empted me buying a gun. Becuase I heard a gunshot I could picture accidently shooting someone I loved. I shouted If you win, I win.. If you lose, I lose. They will not listen to me. (Did not want to go home) I must have been a real unliked person growing up or no one knew me. I thought I was really nice.. never said a bad word against anyone. Protected everyone I loved and didn't know. I should have gone to court to settle some disputes. I did not take the time. Now all my friendships suffer. Anyway I can't get those things I heard and said out of my mind. The truth is they were never my friends in Christ. No one calls just to check up or say hello how are you doing. I guess they can use the excuse that I smoke weed. I smoke weed for the same reason I don't have to deal with the Schizophrenia.
God always used to come first in my life. I did not know God I know that now I thought I knew God but to really know God you must study and really get into the Bible and feel the spirit of God. I have not felt the spriit of God. I have known people for my whole life just to find out they don't believe in God. I have met people with a Bible and they don't believe in God. But they are the nicest people you would ever meet to others not to me. To me they let their friends and families do whatever and say whatever to me. They won't admit that they care about me. Oh they will show me but they won't say it. Not family but friends. How important should God be in our lives? I thought he should be number one. The one we go to when things are going wrong and right. I must admit I went to him when things were going wrong more than when they were going right.
Now I'm a bitch. I am I know that. What do I do when the people surrounding me the close people who I used to share my life with don't know God. And the people who I do know who know God I believe believe that God will work on the individual. It is not a group effort.
I don't care if I don't have a career, a 401K, have bad credit and can't get any .. any job. Becuase yes, I smoke weed but further than that I have Schizophrenia and no one will stand up for me. So if I do stop smoking weed it will be a decision between me and God and something we will have to work on together. It might be a test from God. Since I know this is the ideal. The worldly is not what I should be dealing with it is me getting into heaven. I have stopped before but there was nothing on the other side except a preacher saying that there was something wrong with my head. When I had wrote him in the past he has to know what I said makes sense. And what I wanted to show him was just my notes on his sermons,
People are afraid of me. Afraid of the name Schizophrenia. Like I am going to explode and I have metal shrapnel in me that will kill anyone for going deeper than Hi Hello How are you? Fine.
It really is all my fault. I'm not a talker. I can't spit out that I also have herpes. That I am happy its not worse than it is. That my mother does have a roof over her head and my grandmother is still here healthy and living.
I wanted everyone on the same page. God Is!! God Loves! God Forgives! Now practice your religion but leave the door open. I go to church and the Muslims are going to hell and the Jehova Witnesses are going to hell and the Baptists (me) are going to hell. Generalities all of them WRONG. Believing in God and being faithful no matter what your religion is your ticket to Heaven. I believe there is one God and many ways to get to know Him. You gotta use your head too. Do we want an earth or shall we all die and go to Hell.
I believe all this but no one can talk about religion about what is in the Bible. My mom says I'm in peoples business too much. I wish someone was in my business. But the truth is I look happy I guess. The truth is I never had any friends in life, in work, in growing up. Or I was never a good person. Fair.. I wasn't fair. I knew all that and came home to change it and it became about everyone else except me. Which is understandable everyone has a life to live. And I would have been happy if the Community Services Board would have treated me like I have some sense. If smoking marijuana causes Schizophrenia and I stop smoking weed and the Scizophrenia goes away than there is a cure for Schizophrenia. Don't tell me there is no cure. So maybe I am a bull. Stubborn prideful and stupid. I care I do care but I don't like when people can't look up a condition because they are scared of it. I don't like a condition where you are told don't tell anyone you have this or that. Only tell your mother. What is this a joke.
Bottom line is I am stuck on stupid (I think) No one will tell me. Just happy that I'm nappy I guess. What did I do to end up here. I never thought it would be me sitting here with an issue. I care about people that don't care about me. They are in my life or in my husbands life but they do not care about me. I can die for all they care me and my wanting them to live the good life makes me stupid too.
I cared about everyone. Now I care about no one. And I'm about to be forty. I don't want to wake up and realize my life has been a joke or something and do something I will regret. I'm 39. It's ticking. Some days I say at 40 I will grow up and be a grown up again. And then they say that is the age when people figure out its too late. Especially with mental illness. Or 40's are the worst years. Its a shame they take God out of the picture. At least that is what I have been told by the Psychiatrists. God cannot save you. From my mother Jesus is not an option for you. You have Schizo-fucking-phrenia. But I'm okay I'm alright I made it to today to give it another try. I'll pick it up or throw it away. Whatever happens today's the day. Its here I'm here let just go there.
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