‎Wednesday, ‎June ‎17, ‎2015 10:18:12 PM

‎Wednesday, ‎June ‎17, ‎2015 10:18:12 PM


This Sunday Pastor did a sermon on this subject, "Body, Soul, and Spirit".  I am seeing from this that Schizophrenia affects the body.  When I first heard voices they were saying mind, body, and soul but I never thought deeper than this.  I mean yes I have a mind and a body and a soul but what was missing was the Spirit.  I am still understanding the Spirit but it's definition is what the psychological community affects when they try to "cure" you.  Like I said I was told I had an evil Spirit in me, that God could not help me, that this was caused by "sin" in the world or in me I don't remember.
What I am finding from the definition of Spirit (meaning, purpose, love) I SEE that all these things were messed with.  Who I was, was messed with.  It is my fault because I did not and really could not speak up too loudly.  I know that my Spirit was full of the love of God and that was unshakable and I could not move on without knowing God.   I have to know God and I MUST have his WORD in my life.
I am imperfect, yes... HELL yes.  But no one's Spirit should be messed with in the pursuit of healing.  If I could I would stop taking my medication today but there is no where for me to go where this is a safe option.  My mother calls 911 on me from her home down the street from me and hasn't even talked to me about why she did this and then my husband does the same thing and then there is no explanation as to what I can do to prevent you from calling the cops behind my back.  Anywhoo, no one cares.  There is no one to go to for some real, educated talk on my issues.
Knowing though that I was fighting against losing my Spirit makes me feel really proud that I made it this far and I still don't hate and I still want to love.  I think I'm special, anyway.
I will write more when I really know the Spirit and what that is.  Just have some questions I need answering before I can go any deeper.
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The Spirit is always the spirit of God.  The Holy Spirit is God too, it's just part of God.  The Spirit is perfect (purpose, meaning, love).  Because the spirit is perfect I will skip it and go back to the soul.
Soul - personality, conscious mind, sub conscious mind, will (choices).  The one thing I do need to work on are my choices but to be honest my everything else is normal in my soul.  I have encountered my issues and I have healed from them.  It is other's issues that concern me.
One, I have been to several churches and I did not get healing and the information I needed.  I know God has a plan for me but I want to end this life knowing that the doors of the church are open to anyone AND the information needed is there too.  The first church I went to let me walk away crying.  I did not get a hug or anything.  The next church I went to was fine, I guess, but the person I went with had bad experiences, the next church I went to with "friends" who used God and His word against me to make me feel bad for who I was and thus I left there crying with no hug or love from the parishioners.  So, some okay, some devastated me... like having a demon spirit prayed out of me.  And then for those "churches" that are still in my life there is no revelation.  There is no hmmm, I was wrong or I found out something new.  Now I am with a church that does ALL the right things.  Is teaching me what I need to know but they do not know what I have been through ... and they won't unless they were me.. stuck.
Two, I want to know what happened with some my friendships.  I know it's my fault but what is it that I did that I need to change in MY person that will change my perception of things is what I need to know.
Three, just a healing in the Psychological community that would allow God to be taught to those suffering from mental illness.  That this is the first lesson when you are being attacked at the soul.  God and His Word is the only healer.  I want people to know this.

Schizophrenia: An Insiders View

Written:  1/31/2009

Schizophrenia and its effects on the life of those afflicted with it is a major problem in today’s society. The medical profession is afraid of it, the family is afraid of it, the friends are afraid of it and the person afflicted with it is alone. What is schizophrenia? Schizophrenia according to Wikipedia “is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a mental illness characterized by impairments in the perception or expression of reality, most commonly manifesting as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions or disorganized speech and thinking in the context of significant social or occupational dysfunction. Onset of symptoms typically occurs in young adulthood,[1] with approximately 0.4–0.6%[2][3] of the population affected. Diagnosis is based on the patient's self-reported experiences and observed behavior. No laboratory test for schizophrenia exists.” The fact the no laboratory test exist for schizophrenia is of no help to those afflicted. Your just given the term schizophrenia and no one explains anything else. The psychiatric society doesn’t ask the person afflicted questions, doesn’t try to figure out if its something more or less than schizophrenia. You are diagnosed and told to take a pill with nothing else to hold on to.

What would help those afflicted is having at least a questionaire that one would need to answer or just ask questions for the hell of it even if the answer would remain the same. Could you imagine going to the doctor and him telling you you had cancer just by seing you and telling you this ailment can be treated with a pill. Were not going to tell you what the pill does for you or how it may affect your life. You just need to take this pill. Would yo do it? Would you trust it? Would you take this pill for the rest of your life given this.

I have been diagnosed with schizo-associative disorder and I take Risperdal. If you look it up at www.risperdal.com you will see that there is no mention of my specific disorder. I have asked my Doctor about this but have gotten no answers. Just take the pill is the basic response. And talking to my friends is of no help either. They say take the pill. They won’t even listen to my argument. Which only makes the real effects of my disease worse. So I am stuck with leaving them out of my life. Because the unkown is a hard thing to deal with. Not knowing what people are thinking is hard. Not being able to ask people questions. All of this would make a “normal” person crazy. If you asked your spouse a question and received no answer no matter how you changed the question would that not make you upset.

I am afraid for those with a worse affliction than mine. I was told during my psychological visits that there are different levels of Schizophrenia. I don’t know which level I am in but if its worse than what I have which means to me that the auditory hallucinations are worse or you are more paranoid or your thinking is confused you need someone to ask questions. You need your family to be a source of support. You need friends who will still laugh and tell you whats going on with there life even if you can’t actively participate at the time.

My psychiatrist told me that in some societies people believe that Schizophrenia is a spirit. I had a psychologist tell me that its possible that I have an evil spirit in me. And this is during the height of dealing my condition (hearing voices, being confused). There is no God in the psychiatric profession. They do not care about your heart or your soul. I don’t know what they care about to be honest. But unfortunately I did not find help anywhere. I’m sure I didn’t ask everywhere actually I know I didn’t because there is a stigma attached to schizophrenia. I don’t what that stigma is.

Oh, let me tell you this. How I found out I had schizophrenia was I was given a pill. I moved to a new city and started hearing voice and reacting to the voices. I guess the Doctor saw something in me tha resembled schtizophrenia and gave me this pill. At the time I did not ask question. I just wanted help so bad I took the pill. When I got home though I looked it up saw what it was for (schizophrenia) and I looked that up. I wasn’t upset at the time because it said that Ghandi had schizophrenia (don’t know the site) But I figured if Ghandi had schizophrenia than it couldn’t be so bad. I was given a month off of work to recouperate and really did not think about the term schizophrenia. But of course I was and when I went back to work and told my boss with a big smile on my face that I had schizophrenia she just looked at me. Probably because of my stupidity of not really knowing what that means. To this day given the definition I still ask what this is. Why do I hear voices, why am I confused is the question I would like someone to answer using their voice. I have been given the definition on a printout from my doctor but no one will sit down and explain it and make me feel better. Let me know what my life will be like for the rest of my life with this condition. I mean I can look it up but you need someone to be an open door to talk to you.

I found out why I have Schizophrenia.  It is because I loved COBOL but did not open the book.  I was laid off and lost all confidence in myself and did not open the damn book!  What does the future hold for me now.  A two week mistake turns into 8 years.  Eight years!!!!!  What do I do now?  Put my faith in God that all this time was worth it.  Well it wasn't.  I could be successful now but people went through my entire life (that they don't know is worse than they will ever know) and decided to dissect it  and or not dissect it. 

What will I do now that there is nothing but I did not open a book. A book I loved and enjoyed working with.  It really defined me.  I would have been good at it.  And now I ask why me still.  I am a stupid bitch.  It was all my fault and I did not get any help.  I don't have any church to go to that fully accepted me.  What do I do now that I know. 

I'm still here.  Is all I got.

Here's to hoping the truth will set me free.....

I have been through a lot with my experience with Schizophrenia.  Through it I have gotten married.  I love my husband but nothing is perfect.  I smoke marijuana.  I smoke Black and Milds or whatever I can get my hands on.  I don't think I want to be here anymore.  And now I am not my authentic self.  I am a Bitch.  I don't want to be a bitch but that is what I am. I am unhappy with my weight and my appearance in general.  I am just here.  I have no motivation.  I don't act I just accept.  That's not good.  I want to put God first in my life and live a spiritually successful life.  But I keep getting the word Schizophrenia.  No one really knows what that means they just use the word and give out what they think it means.  And I don't know what it means even after looking it up.  I learn something new every time I look it up.  Anyway....

When I was first going through my delusional period I heard voices and shouted stuff.  Like I heard the grass is green the sky is blue, people have to die, you smoke weed, I heard a gun shot that pre-empted me buying a gun.  Becuase I heard a gunshot I could picture accidently shooting someone I loved.  I shouted If you win, I win.. If you lose, I lose.  They will not listen to me.  (Did not want to go home)  I must have been a real unliked person growing up or no one knew me.  I thought I was really nice.. never said a bad word against anyone.  Protected everyone I loved and didn't know.  I should have gone to court to settle some disputes.  I did not take the time.  Now all my friendships suffer.  Anyway I can't get those things I heard and said out of my mind.  The truth is they were never my friends in Christ.  No one calls just to check up or say hello how are you doing.  I guess they can use the excuse that I smoke weed.  I smoke weed for the same reason I don't have to deal with the Schizophrenia.

God always used to come first in my life.  I did not know God I know that now I thought I knew God but to really know God you must study and really get into the Bible and feel the spirit of God.  I have not felt the spriit of God.  I have known people for my whole life just to find out they don't believe in God.  I have met people with a Bible and they don't believe in God.  But they are the nicest people you would ever meet to others not to me.  To me they let their friends and families do whatever and say whatever to me.  They won't admit that they care about me.  Oh they will show me but they won't say it.  Not family but friends.  How important should God be in our lives?  I thought he should be number one.  The one we go to when things are going wrong and right.  I must admit I went to him when things were going wrong more than when they were going right.

Now I'm a bitch.  I am I know that.  What do I do when the people surrounding me the close people who I used to share my life with don't know God.  And the people who I do know who know God I believe believe that God will work on the individual.  It is not a group effort.

I don't care if I don't have a career, a 401K, have bad credit and can't get any .. any job.  Becuase yes, I smoke weed but further than that I have Schizophrenia and no one will stand up for me.  So if I do stop smoking weed it will be a decision between me and God and something we will have to work on together.  It might be a test from God.  Since I know this is the ideal.  The worldly is not what I should be dealing with it is me getting into heaven.  I have stopped before but there was nothing on the other side except a preacher saying that there was something wrong with my head.  When I had wrote him in the past he has to know what I said makes sense.  And what I wanted to show him was just my notes on his sermons,   

People are afraid of me.  Afraid of the name Schizophrenia.  Like I am going to explode and I have metal shrapnel in me that will kill anyone for going deeper than Hi Hello How are you?  Fine.

It really is all my fault.   I'm not a talker.  I can't spit out that I also have herpes.  That I am happy its not worse than it is.  That my mother does have a roof over her head and my grandmother is still here healthy and living.

I wanted everyone on the same page. God Is!!  God Loves!  God Forgives!  Now practice your religion but leave the door open.  I go to church and the Muslims are going to hell and the Jehova Witnesses are going to hell and the Baptists (me) are going to hell.  Generalities all of them WRONG.  Believing in God and being faithful no matter what your religion is your ticket to Heaven.  I believe there is one God and many ways to get to know Him.  You gotta use your head too.  Do we want an earth or shall we all die and go to Hell.

I believe all this but no one can talk about religion about what is in the Bible.  My mom says I'm in peoples business too much.  I wish someone was in my business.  But the truth is I look happy I guess.   The truth is I never had any friends in life, in work, in growing up.  Or I was never a good person.  Fair.. I wasn't fair.  I knew all that and came home to change it and it became about everyone else except me.  Which is understandable everyone has a life to live.  And I would have been happy if the Community Services Board would have treated me like I have some sense.  If smoking marijuana causes Schizophrenia and I stop smoking weed and the Scizophrenia goes away than there is a cure for Schizophrenia.  Don't tell me there is no cure.  So maybe I am a bull.  Stubborn prideful and stupid.  I care I do care but I don't like when people can't look up a condition because they are scared of it.  I don't like a condition where you are told don't tell anyone you have this or that.  Only tell your mother.  What is this a joke.


Bottom line is I am stuck on stupid (I think)  No one will tell me.  Just happy that I'm nappy I guess.  What did I do to end up here.  I never thought it would be me sitting here with an issue.  I care about people that don't care about me.  They are in my life or in my husbands life but they do not care about me.  I can die for all they care me and my wanting them to live the good life makes me stupid too.

I cared about everyone.  Now I care about no one.  And I'm about to be forty.  I don't want to wake up and realize my life has been a joke or something and do something I will regret.  I'm 39.  It's ticking.  Some days I say at 40 I will grow up and be a grown up again.  And then they say that is the age when people figure out its too late.  Especially with mental illness.  Or 40's are the worst years.  Its a shame they take God out of the picture.  At least that is what I have been told by the Psychiatrists.  God cannot save you.  From my mother Jesus is not an option for you.  You have Schizo-fucking-phrenia.  But I'm okay I'm alright I made it to today to give it another try.  I'll pick it up or throw it away.  Whatever happens today's the day.  Its here I'm here let just go there.    

Life Is A Circle

God is important to me.  He has been a part of my life since about the third grade.  I feel that God showed himself to me then as a source of support.  I have always been strange and a loner I guess.  It wasn't until college that I found a group of friends.  They are not really my friends any more but during college we were close.  I think what happened to those friendships is no one wanted to get personal.  Really the truth is I don't know what happened to the friendships .. time, new families, life I guess is the best answer.   I do know when those friendships ended though.  They ended when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia.  Maybe that was the excuse they needed to bail.  The doctors say it is incurable.  Whether it is incurable or not I still have a life to live right?

The last time I tried to go to a psychologist I was told that church is not an option.  I have been told that God cannot heal Schizophrenia.  I have been told by a preacher that something is wrong with my head based on closed notebook of notes from his sermons that he did not even read.  I'm tired of people trying to tell me a Schizophrenic that God is not the answer for me.  He is always the answer.

I feel right now that I am losing a battle.  I'm nice.  I've never really been in a fight except once with my sister and I just count that because she does.  I threw a metal butterfly at her and it got her in the shoulder and she got hurt.  Not bad but hurt with a scar to boot.  It was around 5th grade.  I am fighting personal perceptions that run the gamut.

I have Schizophrenia so I can't talk about God.  I can't go to church without it being an issue.  I don't like that people say the term Schizophrenia and don't know what is is.  They just use it as meaning anything.  And ha ha for me the truth is it does mean anything once you look it up. 

Anyway, I just want to say that God is always the answer.  I need people who know me to know that I was never violent and will never be violent OR I need the sun to shine and I walk through the doors of a church and really feel that no matter what name I have been assigned I am one of God's children.

Schizophrenia is lonely.  It is confusing.  And if you try you just get shot down by friends and families who don't want to discuss anything personal.  Do you know how many people don't believe in God?  I now know many.
 
Life is a circle

Current Issues of the United States

Current Issues of the United States
in Honor of Lady Liberty
12/4/2006

I. Iraq War
a. Why?
i. We do not know the end because there was never a threat in Iraq?
ii. We have to find an answer to what we are fighting for. Only the
Iraqi people can decide this.

b. Must define:
i. Who is fighting?
ii. Who is on our Side/who is not on our side?
iii. What do the different factions want?
iv. Ask over and over again: Are they Iraqi?; Is this good for Iraq and everyone else.
v. Have the factions choose a leader.
vi. Talk/ And come to a compromise. (Fighting never settles the battle, talking does)

II. Separation of Church and State: Is this being defined properly?

a. Religion in general.

We are a country under God whatever religion you are. Personal beliefs; Religious Rights, Superiority will always be an issue. (On the personal thus public arena – people talk) Remember, we are a democracy.

Ones religion should affect and sometimes define politicians voting decisions. Therefore, when the church is not clearly defined or operating correctly our government cannot function properly.

Take the recent headlines in the news concerning our senators. When we stop being responsible to others (not having a spiritual brother or sister; friend to share ones thoughts, compare life stories, and keep on the right yes righteous path leads to wasted time, bad decisions, and repeat mistakes.)

Take the church at this time in general, concerning their saturated focus on prosperity. (Without the teachings, lessons of the good in just being good because God says so shoot because it feels good being good.) And the indiscretions of some higher ups in the church, we all know that the lower realms of the church can relate to the dilemmas or can they? (Homosexuality, drugs, seedy hotel rooms à A preacher no less) This is when you know a correction is in order. Because who is watching who? What happened to fellowship? True fellowship: Knowing and Loving God and being willing to share the message with anyone who will listen. Am I my brother’s keeper?

b. Homosexuality: Right to marriage.

It is apparent that homosexuality is not new. But is is apparent that there is no order in this society. They do not follow the rules of the heterosexual. The true problem is the age and time when a person decides, comes out of the closet, or is “turned out” to the life of homosexuality. Oops and I forgot the born gay theory. This is before we even get to the discussion on whether it is right or wrong. It is! Deal with it! But do I think Rossie O’Donnell is a good parent? Does it matter? Is it her sexuality or her personality or both.

Especially when it comes to families, provisions must be made to declare them under law a family without concern about sexuality. Is it right under God? I don’t know. But we are a country that makes provisions for our minorities. There should be steps taken to ensure they are a family but when a separation occurs individuals should be treated as that individuals poised to share in the responsibility to take care of their children. The children are who we should be focused on. There will always be discussions on this issue. I do not see an end to the anxiety. But it is! So deal with it!

c. Prayer in School.

To take away a childs right to pray to God anytime, anywhere, anyplace is wrong. To take away any ones right to pray to their God is wrong. It is un-American. Who did this offend in the first place? What was he afraid of? My God is a good God. Is yours not?


In general we have forgotten that there is a God. There is an Alpha to the Omega; the Highest One. If we are responsible to Him we are responsible to His people thus we are responsible for each other. God 1st, Family 2nd, 3rd Career/Friends. Whatever you make three, one and two are always the same. And always expected here in the United States. We need to get back to our roots!


III. The Language of the United States

This is how stupid we are in 2006 not to get the point to be nice. Why is this an issue? Because this is America and there are a lot of people from every country on the Globe here. I sometimes feel that this is a fake issue and us stupid people are going along for the ride by even talking about it. But it is an issue. A big one. Solution is below:

We are American. Americans speak English primarily. We want people to be able to communicate with each other. If you do not know English than we offer services so that you can learn. In the meantime it is good that you can communicate with others who speak your language. You can work, find literature/news in your native language. It is, however, expected that you will take the steps to understand the English language before becoming a United States Citizen. You do not have to know English fluently but you will need to pass a series of tests in English. You can take the US exam in the language of your choice.

No language will rule the United States. It will not be Spanish, French, or Portuguese. We want to know all languages. But this is a choice (unless you are under the age of 18).

If it has to be decreed than decree that English is the official language of the United States and while your at it make that flag with the stars and stripes the official flag of the United States too.

Reminder: The Importance of Exit Interviews

It has come to my attention that exit interviews are a thing of the past. In the time of consultants and temporary employees and the prevailing thought that most employees move on purely on the basis of money has caused the exit interview to suffer. In the past the exit-interview was a tool used to gain valuable information on current trends, lacking policies, and turnover. If you wanted the employee to stay it was your last chance to counter offer on the new position they had taken. If you are agreeable with the change in employment it is your last chance to ensure you gain valuable information on avoiding hiring people of like minds in the future. The exit interview has been used in the past as a mechanism to save money. A company does not want an individual leaving their company unaware of there responsibilities to up hold the reputation of the company. Even if an employee is there for one day it is good policy to discuss with them their thoughts on the company and its processes. One day could be enough for one person to make a change in the company that could save lives or save money. You never know what value added information an individual could have. You hired them; use their knowledge, their experience, and their independent thoughts on your company. Even if it is stored for a while until further data can be obtained in order to get a full grasp on an issue. It could be an opening to new business, a closing of an out of date system, an employee who needs help, or an implementation that is headed for disaster. The exit interview gives the company the opportunity to open their ears to new issues, old issues, and recurring issues.

Missing the point that the last 10 employees have left due to a competitor stealing your employees and not finding out until the competitor is using this as a selling point. Or until it finally reaches someone who sees the trend is affecting business. Or loosing a CEO And finding out that they left too because said Company just copied your winning style and they’re just doing the same thing making a lot more money and you obviously don’t care about your employees leaving. Not that you could necessarily offer the employee more money but you could offer job security, time-off, you could even beg him/her to stay. The exit interview gives you both a chance to say what the problem is even if you can’t change it at the time.

In ending this I want to say I want to know who my employees are. I want to know if they are happy. I don’t even want to get to the point where an exit interview is necessary. If this is your company than you better start interviewing those employees exiting your organization. They possess valuable information that could allow you to head off further problems in the future. Know that your employees will always be connected to you through their resume. Be sure you know why they left and if they would be willing to come back. Of course this bit of information could change your company. It’s supposed to. The employee makes your company tick. They are the first line. They are the community. Make sure you know why they leave and while you’re at it find out why they stay too.